Since I said I'll update when I felt better, I decided to update..

Not that I did feel very much better, maybe I'm just numb now but it's still better than yesterday I guess..I've been talking and thinking and reflecting..nowadays I just prayed and prayed and prayed..though nothing seems to be happening, I had to keep reminding myself to have faith. Or maybe the solution is already in front of me, just that I was too blind to see it. I don't know. I'm screwed up. And that ain't a swear.

I know p.grandma's days are numbered..she's sleeping so much longer and much earlier and much more than usual..what if one day she doesn't wake up? I remember the days when I would think of my parents leaving me and cry..I guess I've never grown much, I'm still that little girl..how much have I changed? And what do I mean to people? What are my positions in their lives? Been thinking about this for a very very long time, wonder if it will finally be answered?

- #67

//If you want to know how I feel, let me tell you then. Unlike you, I don't cry in front of ppl. I can't cry in front of them..so everything's just inside. It's been that way since I was, what? Pri. 4? Perhaps way back before that even..so can you imagine how it's like for me to put on that "being strong" mask? I'm just so so used to only relying on myself. I am my own pillar of strength, no one else is. Perhaps now you'll understand why I can come to school with a straight face for so many years or how I keep most of the things inside. I've been doing this for close to half of my life. I don't want to cry on anyone. Because what's the point? I don't want to worry other people, anyway, I can't pour out everything to them can I? I'm not you, I'm sure you know that. I cannot fully open myself up to anyone. I am trying to find help. I've been trying to find help. But none of them is effective and you know, I'm absolutely lost now, I don't know what I should do already and yet, one tiny part of me is positive the sun will shine soon. Why do you think I didn't want to be with all of you? Or face you to give you your present? I didn't think I could hold on to anything. Maybe I ought to tell you this sooner, or maybe you knew about it already. What I feel inside is much much deeper than what I let out. I mean, many people said I've got a "poker" face..but it doesn't hold on for too long. Things aren't as easy as it seems. You have to look at its history and underlying surface.

You're not the only person hurting or crying. I've been this way since the June holidays. All along, I just kept quiet. Because you know, there are some people whom you just can't rely on. Some who seems to be so close to you but in the end, everything is just superficial. Do you know how I felt then? Add on to the death, this anonymous thing, council, some family problems, my own problems and I haven't even started revising for prelims..and there are some concepts in Christianity that I'm still trying to accept,of course, my own faith...Whatever. I shan't go too much into self-pity here.

You have your own problems too. It isn't that I'm insensitive or blind, just that I really am at a loss on whether to approach you because all along, you are the one that looked for me when you have a problem.

You said I'm a believer of God and all that about not hating myself and doing what is necessary to find back the normal person I once were, well ok..then have you heard of confusion? Or suicide?

But honestly, I guess you will always be someone special to me. If not, why would I open up to you in an OPEN BLOG where so many other people can see this? I'm making myself vulnerable and I don't know why. Or maybe I do. //